"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
