i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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