I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
