You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
