Banned from zoo.
Again?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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