I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
