it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I will pee on everything he values.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
