Where did you get a picture of my penis
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
