Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
