Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
