Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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