I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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