And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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