I'm gonna have a badass scar
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
