I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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