I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her