Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men