I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We left the knife in your bed.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.