I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
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He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"