This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
