Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
