I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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