omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
