the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
