Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is Oprah even human
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
