Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
