I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
