god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
