He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
