when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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