The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
