i was rollin on her like bob the builder
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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