Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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