the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
are you so shy because you have an std?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
