i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
