New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
