The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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