im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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