this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
