I could make wine with my vomit
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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