i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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