I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
