i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
