moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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