1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
