i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
