and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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