I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
