I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
