she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
