the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
