yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
