drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
