I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
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Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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