I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Also, beer. Big fan.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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