yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
