if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
