whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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