If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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