There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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