Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
